What do you call a joke that isn’t funny?
A question.
How do you confuse someone?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at them.
What’s white and ruins your dinner?
An avalanche.
What’s red and shaped like a bucket?
A red bucket.
How do you turn a soup to gold?
Add 24 carrots.
What looks like a tree, and has wheels?
A tree, I lied about the wheels.
What did one stranger say to the other?
Nothing, they were strangers who didn’t know each other.
What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.
Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much when he was a kid?
He was a little Thor.
Why were there more birds flying on one side of the V formation than the other? Because the other side had fewer birds.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
What did the doctor say when she lost her scalpel?
I’ve lost my scalpel.
How do you make a lemon drop?
Let go of it.
A proton, an electron, and an ion went into a restaurant.
But nobody noticed because all three are microscopic.
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
Why didn’t the dinosaur eat the baby?
Because dinosaurs became extinct before humans existed.
What’s red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
What goes black and white, black and white, black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
What does the irate Spanish tourist say to the steward on their plane?
I don’t know. I don’t speak Spanish.
A man walks into a bar with a gorilla.
The barman asks him to leave because they serve food and are not legally allowed to have animals in the establishment.
Why do scuba divers fall backward off the boat? Because if they fell forward they’d still be on the boat.
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.
Where do frogs keep their money?
In a riverbank.
Why can’t a pig keep a secret?
Because they always end up squealing.
What did Tarzan say when he saw the herd of hippos?
Look, a herd of hippos.
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo’ drizzle.
What do you call a cow with no eyes?
A cow, the absence of eyes does not change the fact that it is a cow.
How long is a football field?
Half the length of two football fields.
What kind of tree can you hold in your hand?
A small one.
Why can’t dinosaurs clap?
Because they’re dead.
What’s yellow and something you shouldn’t drink?
A school bus.
Why did the dog vomit on the bed?
Because it was sick.
What did the policeman say when the criminal got away?
That criminal got away.
Why do you always find something in the last place you look?
Because after you have found it, there would be no point in continuing to look for it.
What do you call a droid that goes the long way round?
R2 Detour.
How much do piercings cost pirates?
A buck n ear.
Why is a squirrel like a cup of coffee?
Neither has a headphone jack.
How do bees get to school?
By school buzz.
What do you do if a teacher rolls her eyes at you?
Pick them up and roll them back.
Why did the teacher draw on the window?
Because they wanted the lesson to be very clear.
What happened when the teacher tied every kids’ shoelaces together?
They had a class trip.
Why did the Cyclops close his school?
Because he only had one pupil.
When is a blue school book not a blue school book?
When it is read.
What’s the best place to grow flowers in school?
In kindergarten.
Teacher: Could you please pay a little attention?
Student: I’m paying as little attention as I can.
Teacher: Why is your homework in your father’s handwriting?
Pupil: I used his pen.
A boy was told to write a 100-word essay.
He thought for a bit then wrote: ‘I went out to call my cat in for the night, so I called ‘kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty…’
Why wasn’t the geometry teacher at school?
Because she sprained her angle.
Pupil: I don’t think I deserved zero on this test.
Teacher: I agree, but that’s the lowest mark I could give you.
