What kind of snake would you find on a car?
A windshield viper.
What do you call a pig who is never fun to hang out with?
A boar.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
Why don’t leopards play hide and seek?
Because they’re always spotted.
Where did the sheep go on vacation?
The baaaahamas.
What do you call a monkey with a banana in both his ears?
Anything you want, it can’t hear you.
How does a dog stop his YouTube?
It presses the paws button.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re so good at it.
What is the snake’s favorite subject?
Hiss-story.
What’s the name of the movie starring a pig and a dinosaur?
Jurassic pork.
How do you stop a dog from barking in the backseat of a car?
Put it in the front seat.
Why don’t oysters share their pearls?
Because they are shellfish.
What do you call a pig who knows karate?
A porkchop.
What do you call a magic dog?
A Labracadabrador.
How do you catch a rabbit?
Make a noise like a carrot.
A driver and a zebra are out for a drive when they get pulled over by the police.
The police officer looks in the car and says “You need to take that zebra to the zoo.” So the driver turned around and took the zebra to the zoo right away.
The next day, the same police officer pulls over the same driver. He still has the zebra in the car with him.
The police officer says, “I told you to take the zebra to the zoo yesterday.”
And the driver says, “I did, and today, we are going to a baseball game.”
What time do ducks get out of bed? At the quack of dawn.
A policeman knocked on an old lady’s door.
“One of your dogs has been seen chasing a man on a bicycle.”
“Nonsense,” said the woman. “None of my dogs know how to ride a bike.”
Why did the elephant paint its toenails different colors?
To hide in a bag of M&M’s.
What kind of cat lives underwater?
An octoPUSS!
Where does a ten ton elephant sit?
Anywhere it wants.
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
It takes a long time for them to swallow their pride.
What do you call a magician who puts their right hand inside the mouth of a shark?
Lefty.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because the chicken didn’t exist yet.
What do the farmers say to their cows after 9 p.m.?
Go to bed, it’s pasture bedtime.
Why did the police officer give the sheep a ticket?
It made an illegal ewe turn.
What do you call a 400-pound gorilla?
Anything it wants you to.
How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel.
Why can’t hippos ride bicycles?
Because they can’t find bike helmets to fit.
What do you call a cow that twitches?
Beef jerky.
Why aren’t koalas actually bears?
They don’t meet the koalafications.
Why did the banana go out with the prune?
Because it couldn’t find a date.
How do you make a sausage roll?
Push it down a hill.
Why don’t eggs tell jokes?
They’d crack each other up.
What kind of cheese can never be yours?
Nacho cheese.
What does a zombie vegetarian eat?
“GRRRAAAIINS!”
Why did the fisherman put peanut butter into the sea?
To go with the jellyfish.
Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
Why do mushrooms get invited to all the parties?
Because they’re such fungis.
Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
It was feeling crumb-y.
How does a train eat?
It goes chew chew.
What do you call a round, green vegetable that breaks out of prison?
An escapea.
What kind of nut has no shell?
A doughnut.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An IM-pasta.
What starts with “t” ends with “t” and is filled with “t”?
A teapot.
Who’s a dessert fan’s favorite actor?
Robert Brownie, Jr.
Why doesn’t McDonald’s serve escargot?
It’s not fast food!
What was left after the explosion in the French cheese factory?
Nothing but debrie.
Which dessert is perfect for eating in bed?
A sheet cake.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog?
It was an Oscar wiener.
Why does yogurt love going to museums?
Because it’s cultured.
Every morning I plan to make pancakes, but I keep waffling.
